As a self- proclaimed ‘semi full time’ social media addict, I often catch myself mid upload or checking how many likes my latest ‘vintage’ post has on Instagram and think- do I really care? Come on, is there anything more grating than waking on a beautiful Sunday morning, peaceful in the knowledge that you made the veracious decision to curl up at 9.20 p.m. last night, with a vat of popcorn and Ryan Gosling’s delicious face as a sweet garnish- only to see another Snapchat story. 186 seconds long, documenting every alcohol laden bad decision and vomit inducing drink they had last night. Yet you can’t help but watch, am I right? Whether you’re actually interested in, what could only have been a night of most epic proportions- seeing as how well documented it has been, or you simply cannot stand the teasing of the little purple box in the corner- either way IT MUST BE WATCHED!
The more I am faced with the wrinkly, sagging face of age- the more I launch myself down the social media rabbit hole. I’m not sure whether it’s a fear of being left behind or if social media is rudely imposing its inquisitive nose into more and more of our lives. Nonetheless, as I allow the virtual phenomenon to engulf my life, I cannot help but observe the various types of social media punters that thrive out there in internet land.
These people seem to think that you thrive on every concrete fragment of their simulated being. We frequently see posts on their accounts such as ‘just bought a coke LOL’ or ‘HANGING WITH BAE’- just in case we missed them in the last 45 minutes!!! These peeps are huge lovers of wasting our time with their incessant Snapchatting. We don’t want to look- but we can’t look away!!!
These social media employees exist for one reason only- to make you feel as invisible as the Smokey Bacon flavoured Tayto! With no less than 100 likes on each selfie, hair preened to perfection and a face full of makeup any drag queen would be envious of, these gym bunnies can often be seen frolicking on the beach/ in the gym with several pieces of string strewn across their carved bodies or ‘peacing and pouting’ in various restroom facilities throughout the country.
Hosters, aka Hipster Posters:
Big lovers of Instagram and its many antique filters, hipsters can be often seen posting from various gigs of bands that us mere mortals have not yet heard of. They favour posting their vegetarian meals- often featuring the ultimate hipster ingredient- quinoa. Be careful when creeping on a hipster profile- you may experience random feelings of nostalgia- for what you’re not quite sure.
Much like our beloved ‘Stun Huns’ these people can stir two kinds of emotions when we have a creep on their online profiles; ‘YES I CAN DO IT. I’m going to get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, go for a run, do 3000 Russian twists and prep my meals for the whole week!!!’ You tell everyone you know about your new lifestyle change, maybe even post a pic of your new Nikes…. Queue Saturday morning at 3.a.m and your stuffing your gob with taco chips and half a 12” pizza like it was your last meal before walking the green mile. OR you can take one look at these ‘inspos’, skip the part where you attempt to get your life together, and go straight for the taco fries… sometimes it’s easier to accept the inevitable!! Either way these ‘inspos’ will continue to mock us with their 18 packs, their motivational quotes and the fact that God seems to have gifted them with more than 24 hours per day!!!
So next time you consider Snapchatting in a club where the bass is so loud it can only be heard via ultrasound, or posting an Instagram pic of your ‘thighbrows’- it’s a thing folks! Spare a moment to think about us meagre unsociables- who will open your thumping video at 7.30 in the morning, or us poor earthlings who can barely manage our actual eyebrows, never mind thigh brows- ask yourself- do I need to post this?