Paying homage to the tagline of Emo teenagers all around the world ‘YOU JUST DON’T KNOW THE REAL ME’, I’ve come to learn, in my last few months on the job hunt, potential employers indeed just don’t get to know the real me. Sure, these are my astounding results from when I was in Leaving Cert 2000 years ago when Jesus was a boy. Yes, I was once awarded a blue ribbon for participation in my Primary School’s sports day- they actually felt sorry for me because I ran into a pole in the relay race. Ask me some REAL questions bro!! Ask me the height and weight of each of the Kardashians, or how to tell the difference between Mary Kate and Ashley or which of the Mayo team is the best looking and in what order! Let me tell you some of my REAL mad skills… Also… I’m… I’m super organised and never late and *laughs nervously* hahahaohmygodpleasefuckingemploymehahaha….
1. Netflix Marathonial Skills
Personally, I think it takes a copious amount of dedication, skill and serious self devaluation to watch Breaking Bad or Pretty Little Liars for 24 hours straight, stopping only to protect your sofa from perishing under your bodily functions, and to answer the door to Stephen, the pizza delivery man. Yes we’re on a first name basis, no I don’t need your judgement as I bathe in a vat of rogue chips and pepperoni slices- I’m busy watching Making A Murderer- your opinion is not valid.
2. Creeping Ability
If you ask me to find Kim Jong Un’s Insta you can be good goddamn sure that not only will I find his page, I’ll find his girlfriend, his bit on the side and every member of his drinking squad. I’ll find out what his Granny got him for his 7th birthday and the exact location of his aunt’s husbands dog’s birthplace- much like an American tracing their Irish heritage. I’m a motherfu**ing creep, some people may say this is an extension of being an absolute psycho- but you just wait until you need my mad skills to find out who your ex had sex with last weekend- WHO’S THE PSYCHO NOW??? *LAUGHS MANIACALLY WHILE HYPERVENTILATING* Magnum P.I?? Good luck and f**k ya!!
3. The Ability to Act Completely Sober While Passing a Bouncer
This is a rare, but most sought after, life skill… You have polished a bottle of Vodka at ‘pre-drinks’, AKA an excuse to get sh*tfaced at home so you don’t have to spend money at the club/pub. You’re struggling to find your front door. There’s heated debates in the taxi about the places with the most lenient door policy. By the time your friends have shoved your I.D. into, and forcibly removed the naggin from, your shaky paw, you swish by the bouncer will at the grace and poise of a prima ballerina, even giving him an aul wink and a chin tap if you’re feeling extra confident, or, if you’re really off your f**king head! All that self assurance slowly dissolves as your stride retreats to a pathetic stumble and you Godzilla style wallop into a table of Jagerbombs (WHY JAGERBOMBS?!?!?!) and try to shift the barman across the taps…#EverybodyInTheClubGettingTipsy #EverybodyInTheClubGettingKickedOutCauseOfMe
4. The Ability to Stare at Someone’s Face for Several Minutes Without Having Any Clue What the F**k They’re Talking About
We’ve all been there, staring at a 100 year old Great Aunt wondering why she dyes her hair grey when we all know she’s naturally….well, grey, or why she hasn’t offered you a tenner yet- isn’t that their job??? BANG!! You get sidelined with a ‘what do you think loveen?’… WHAT DO I THINK??? I THINK MY WALLETS FEELING A BIT LIGHT IS WHAT I THINK… The life skill here is not the actual ability to ignore the person speaking to you, but how well you respond to being caught so off guard. Optimum safe lines include; ‘ah sure that’s the way it is nowadays’…’but sure lookit isn’t that it’ …or the classic ‘ah sure, stop, would ya like a cup of tea Maura?’. Boom! You look sweet and caring, and if you make that cup of tea right- you’re a tenner richer. Bonus points for a Rich Tea for dipping purposes.
5. Googling Skills
At the end of the day, anything that isn’t on your C.V. you can Google so it’s graaaaaand. Change a tyre? Google. Insert figures into Excel? Google. Team building excerices? Google. Meditation techniques so you don’t punch your co-worker Susan in the face for stealing your cereal again? Google. Funny cat videos that you can email your co-workers resulting in them utimaltely hating you? Google. Well technically YouTube, which can be accessed through…yes, you got it again, Google. Providing you don’t get sent somewhere you can get any data or WiFi, like the moon, or the Northern tip of Mayo…*shudders*…